If you're anything like me, you grew up loving the toys of the 80s. If you're more like me, you'll agree that GI Joe is the best toy-line ever released (with a kudos to MASK, He-Man and Micro-Machines). And if you're even MORE like me, you've been had a battle of loyalty all your life as to who is actually better; GI Joe, or Cobra aka "The Enemy". It's a classic "good vs. evil" rivalry that is far more complex than one might think, and the results may surprise you.
Leaders:
The first aspect to examine in this battle is the leaders in charge of these two armies. Cobra Commander is the leader of Cobra, and is insanely ruthless and hell-bent on ruling the world. He is always dressed for success in dark blue, hiding his face behind a face shield or hood and even if he is evil, he is one cool mother. Aiding Cobra Commander is the less-than-intelligent chrome headed Destro and the sly Baroness (and sometimes he is overshadowed by Serpentor). Although this trio has a lot of "cool points" on their side, their ultimate greed and inability to work together make them poor leaders, never succeeding in their tasks. The GI Joe leaders are far more level headed and work efficiently in running the Joe team. With Hawk as the #1 in command, and Duke as the second in command, the Joes are off to a boring start with nothing special about either of them, unless you are a true fan of "The Real American Hero". However, characters like green beret Lt. Falcon with his bad-ass shotgun and knife combo, give the Joes the edge in the leaders race.
Troops:
The entire basis for this battle is the troops. Without troops, there would be nobody to fight, nobody to drive the vehicles, and nobody to sell in stores. GI Joe and Cobra take the typical good vs. evil tactics in preparing their troops. GI Joe is an army of individuals, each with individual skills, everyone a hero, whereas the Cobras are battalions of Vipers, who are faceless and trained to do specialized tasks with several individuals who play key roles. Luckily for the Joes, their do-good nature does not completely eliminate their ability to be bad-ass. Classic examples of this are: Hit-and-Run, who is a fully camo infantry man equipped with assault rifle, knife and grappling hook duffel bag; the stealth sniper Low-Light; Beachhead the Ranger; explosives expert Tunnel Rat; M-16 equipped marine Leatherneck; and arctic trooper Snow Job. The above are great examples of how simple each (good) Joe character is, but how diverse and well thought out each one is. Each one is very realistic, making them both believable and give them a personality you can cheer for.
The Cobra vipers on the other hand are all shown as heartless beings, who seem more like monsters than people. Early Cobra characters such as "Cobra", "Cobra Officer", Crimson guard, and "Viper" are all perfect examples of very disposable characters, with no real personality to match the uniform. Cobra vipers become more specialized, and more interesting as they evolve, but even with a character behind the name, they are still faceless and easily killed off without any hard feelings. Some examples of this are B.A.T. the android trooper, Techno-Viper the weapons specialist, the jet pack equipped Astro-Viper and the very cool Alley-Viper and Night-Viper. Cobra individuals usually remain faceless wearing masks, such as boxer Big Boa and crocodile trainer Croc Master but are far from forgetable, with kickass characters like saboteur FireFly, heavy weapons expert Scrap-Iron and colour changing Zandar.
Not all characters created equally though. For each wicked character, there seems to be an equally lame character (which grows exponentially year by year). The Joes have Chuckles, a Hawaiian shirt wearing undercover cop; Bazooka, the football shirt wearing bazooka specialist; the "techno wizard" Psyche-Out; WWF wrestler Sgt. Slaughter; the very lame Hardball; and my personal favorite, the worst GI Joe I EVER owned....Colonel Courage and his lime green weaponry. But as far as lame troops, Cobra takes the cake. The entire dreadnok community (Monkeywrench, Buzzer, Ripper) should have been discontinued at the drawing board, and other charcters like Zanzibar and his life-like hair, the creepy Dr. Mindbender, and the boring-ass Crystal Ball with his "hypnotizing shield" should have never been produced. And don't even get me started on that Golobulus crap....
Land and Sea and Air:
Considering that "over land and sea and air...GI Joe is there", you'd expect the Joes to easily win this category, however that is not the case. The sea battle is easily won by Cobra and the heavily armed Moray Hydrofoil and the cooler-than-cool driver, Lamprey. The closest Joe contender is the Killer W.H.A.L.E. with driver Cutter, whose lameness is reflected in the hovercrafts name. Cobra also has the Night Landing and the extremely cool Hydro Vipers and Cobra Eels, while the Joes have the not-as-cool Wet-Suit (who comes with no weapons), fairly lame Deep-Six (who came with an air pump) and the extremely lame Shipwreck with his dual-motor boat.
The land battle is more balanced than the sea battle, but the Joes biggest strength lies on the land. The entire 1982 vehicle line-up, lead by the M.O.B.A.T. and the V.A.M.P. give the Joes a very cool, and realistic lead very early on. With the addition of the APC [Amphibious Personnel Carrier], the Mauler Manned Battle tank, and in particular the A.W.E. Striker, the Joes prove that while on land, they are not to be reckoned with. The cobras however do put up a significant fight with the H.I.S.S. tank, the Stinger Night Attack Jeep and the Crimson Attack Tank (CAT), which is a mere copy of the M.O.B.A.T. The Ferret ATV rivals the A.W.E. Striker for its maneuverability and speed, but the Joes have the all around edge on the land battle.
The air battle is a fairly close one, but the Cobra team take a very early lead with the 1984 release of the heavily armed and iconic Rattler, with pilot Wild Weasel. Released a year earlier, the F.A.N.G. is a nice light helicopter, and the super stealth Night Raven with pilot Strato-Viper give the Cobras both a technical advantage, and a "wickedness" advantage over the Joes. Although the Joes do have a very impressive air battalion, they simply do not have what it takes to defeat Cobra in the skies. The Skystriker is a fairly standard fighter plane who's firepower does not even come close to rival the Rattler. The Conquest X-30 is GI Joes best bet in the air, with a decent amount of fire power and more than enough speed. However, the rattler has more weapons and the Night Raven has the speed giving the air battle to the Cobras. One may argue that the super awesome GI Joe Tomahawk duel rotor helicopter would give the Joes the edge in the sky, but the slow Tomahawk is a large target for the rattler, and its main purpose is to move land troops, merely reinforcing the Joes land victory.
Battle of the Ninjas:
The final, and probably most crucial race between GI Joe and Cobra is the most classic battle of all. The battle of the white vs. the black ninja. The first surprise in this battle is that Snake Eyes, the black ninja is on the good side, whereas Storm Shadow, the white ninja, sides with "The Enemy". It would seem natural to give the immediate advantage to the black ninja (black is always awesome), but with Storm Shadow, white has never been so cool. Both ninjas trained in the same clan, and were once good friends until they suspected each other of assassinating their master. Snake Eyes' advantage is in his mystery. He cannot speak do to an accident, and his name remains classified. His use of both ninja weapons, and more modern weapons such as machine guns along with his loyal wolf Timber make Snake Eyes the most deadly member of the Joe team. However, I have to give the SLIGHT advantage to Storm Shadow. His use of only classical ninja weapons, and reliance on silence, stealth and solitude make him a true ninja master. And face it....there is nothing cooler than the 1984 3.75" version of Storm Shadow.
The Battle is Lost, but the War Continues:
So who has the edge? GI Joe, or Cobra?? Good or evil??? Cobra, it seems, always has the stealthier, better equipped vehicles. They have the various Vipers, which give them an incredible advantage in number, and in awesomeness. They are dark, and cool, and far more mysterious than the Joes. But the Joes have somethings the Cobras don't. Heart, courage and many other traits shared by the Care Bears and Captain Planet. No matter how awesome "The Enemy" becomes, this only inspires the underdog GI Joes to try even harder. Good always wins. The Enemy is always evil, and evil never wins...no matter how wicked they are. GO JOE!!!!!
